Congratulations, You’ve Bought a German Taxi
By Andy Marney - Social Commentator, Occasional Trouble-Maker
The Australian Car Status Hierarchy
In Australia, there’s an unspoken rule: once you “make it” - or more accurately, once you decide you want people to think you’ve made it, you buy yourself a base-model German luxury car. C200 Mercedes. BMW 320i. Maybe if you’ve really “done well,” you’ll stretch to an X3 or a GLC. Leather seats (if you ticked that box), badge on the front, big monthly repayments on the back.
The thinking is simple: “If it’s got a European badge, people will think I’m wealthy, successful, and sophisticated.” The reality? Overseas, you’ve just bought the same model taxi that’ll take you from Charles de Gaulle Airport to central Paris for €55.
Europe Called. They Want Their Ubers Back
Go to Germany, France, England, Spain — these cars are everywhere. You don’t see them parked in front of country clubs. You see them lined up at taxi ranks.
C200? Taxi.
C250? Taxi with a slightly better stereo.
BMW 3-Series? The Uber driver’s best friend.
GLC / X3? Your ride to the airport.
Australians will drop $85,000 to $100,000 plus on roads on one of these cars, thinking they’re sending a “money and class” signal. But to anyone who’s travelled, they’re sending a different signal entirely: “Would you like me to put your suitcase in the boot?”
The Badge Premium vs The Car Itself
Let’s be real - you’re not paying for the performance, features, or comfort. You’re paying for the badge. The same money could buy you:
From Korea: Albeit they are trying with Genesis (actual power, actual space)
From Japan: Toyota Camry Hybrid (Same level as the Germans but reliable, probably more tech)
From Japan Again: Lexus ES or NX (quiet, refined, built like a tank)
From Everywhere Else: A fully loaded Mazda CX-60, Hyundai Palisade, or Subaru Outback Touring — each with more kit, comfort, and actual value.
But no, you bought the German taxi. With cloth seats.
The Accessories Package
It’s never just the car, either. There’s a whole starter pack:
Gucci belt (just in case the car didn’t scream “finance approved”)
Louis Vuitton handbag the size of a gym bag
Sunglasses worn indoors
Coffee order that takes longer to say than to drink
Instagram bio: “✨ Living my best life ✨”
The Flex that Isn’t
Here’s the irony: The people you’re trying to impress don’t actually care. And the people who do care, know what you’ve bought. To them, you’re just the Australian equivalent of someone flexing a Toyota Prius in Japan. The only group truly impressed? Other Australians who haven’t travelled much and think a Euro badge automatically means $250k salary.
The Truth Hurts
Look, if you genuinely love the car, buy it. Drive it. Enjoy it. But if you bought it thinking it’s going to make people think you’re wealthy…
Anyone European will think you’re here to pick them up.
Anyone informed will think you’ve just locked yourself into five years of repayments for a badge.
And anyone with a Lexus will just smile quietly to themselves, knowing their service bill is half yours.
Closing thought: Next time you see someone proudly showing off their base-model European “luxury” car, remember: somewhere in Frankfurt, there’s a taxi driver doing the same thing; only he’s actually making money from his.